In this time of despair, I make my case for why, despite my absolute lack of qualifications, the reigns should turned over to yours truly…

10. I’m smart enough to know when to show emotion, even if it’s an act. Listen, of course there is something to be said for maintaining an even keel, and not showing up your players for the sake of appeasing a restless fanbase. That being said, jeez almighty, sometimes Willie looks as though he’s popped one too many Xanax before a game. Kick the watercooler, throw a few bats, kick some dirt on an umpire… I don’t care… just do something to give the team a burst of adrenaline every once in a while. It really does work.

9. I’m willing to think outside the box. Willie has been around baseball for a long time and knows there are certain tried and true ways to manage that you don’t deviate from—but c’mon man, ala Tom Cruise circa Risky Business, sometimes you just gotta say, “What the f@#K.” One suicide squeeze in three years? Dude, I’ve squeezed more than that THIS MONTH and I don’t even play baseball.

8. I know Aaron Heilman can’t be trusted under pressure. I’m no statistician, but if I looked it up I’d bet you dollars to donuts that Aaron has choked more often than not in big spots. I am not resorting to hyperbole here—I’m talking more than 50% of the time. I have gotten into the habit of calling my wife over to the t.v. every time Heilman comes in the game, waving my hands at the screen and shouting, “Abracadabra! Base hit!” As I’m right almost every time, my wife literally thinks I’m wielding some form of dark magic.

7. I’m not politically correct. If reporters asked me to comment after Billy Wagner called out his teammates last week my response would have been, “Amen, brother.” All this “let’s keep it in the clubhouse” nonsense is overrated. First of all, it HAS been kept in the clubhouse for over a year now. If players don’t respond for over a year, it has to boil over at some point and people need to be put on the spot.

6. I’m color coordinated. Alright, I may be borrowing this from Ron and Keith, but enough with these black and two-tone hats. Mets uniforms are either grey or white and the hats are Dodger blue. Have some pride and respect for team tradition and draw some motivation from it. If you want to do something different, wear the throwback 69 or 86 jerseys every once in a while. We can wear the black ones when someone dies.

5. I’m willing to tell Omar Minaya to bite me. Omar Minaya may be the general manager and Willie Randolph’s boss, but Willie is the one on the front lines every day. If Ryan Church has a concussion, Damion Easley is at his son’s graduation and Moises Alou is on the DL and you try to stuff Raul Cassanova down my throat I am going to come up to your office and flip your desk.

4. I’m not afraid of the players. Yes, I want my team to like me—but I’d rather they respect or even fear me. At this point I’d be going up and down the clubhouse with marching orders. Delgado—when you see that shift you are bunting every time, and I mean every time unless I tell you otherwise. Reyes – every time you hit a ball in the air you’re giving me 20 just like Willie Mays Hayes. Beltran – you’re going to start stealing bases with regularity again. I don’t care if you get caught. Oliver Perez – here’s some Ritalin, swallow it… now let me look under your tongue.

3. I’m okay with wasting the Wilpon’s money. Has anyone else noticed that Delgado has been wearing a band-aid on his arm every single night? I’m starting to wonder if he’s got one of those things they put on a turkey to tell you when it’s done, and his has popped up. Yes, we still owe Carlos Delgado a lot of money this year, but if he needs to sit he needs to sit. Of course, I want to maintain a good relationship with ownership, but it’s not my job to balance their checkbook. Fernando Tatis may not be the answer and Mike Carp may not be ready, but dare I say both could do better than .218 6 21?

2. I’m all about identity. If I see one more opposing player literally hanging over the plate without an ounce of fear I think I am going to vomit. If I manage this team people are going to know that the plate belongs to us, and everyone else is just visiting. My pitchers will be buzzing opposing batters like it’s going out of style. When you play us, no matter the outcome, it’s going to be uncomfortable for you. And you know what? If and when the opportunity presents itself (i.e. someone deserves it), I’m giving the sign to plant a heater on someone’s fanny. If it starts a fight, all the better. At the end of the day, the Mets will have an identity that will make other teams nervous and put the pressure on them. So far the scary black jerseys haven’t done the trick.

1. I have a good memory. I know the Mets have won the World Series twice. I would look at those two teams and emulate them. This may not win us the World Series, but it’s the type of play fans want to see and will earn their support.